A lot of people start realizing their own mortality when their parents die. They suddenly realize that Mom or Dad is only 20 or 25 years older than them, and that's when either the midlife crisis happens or they straighten up, fly right, and start treating the body like it's an investment rather than a nasty carpet at a New York party. And before you say "Ew", think about some of the things you have done and put into your body over the years....even the CLEANEST living among you has scarfed half a dozen hot-out-of-the-oil Krispy Kreme's at 1:00 a.m. You know you have. Don't lie. And if it wasn't that, it was something else equally disgusting.
I didn't have a midlfe crisis, though, when Mom died in 1999. I mean, all of us kids smoked tobacco at that time, and since Mom was dying of lung cancer brought on by cigarettes, we all stood outside on the porch late one night while she lay inside dying, puffing away on our coffin nails and swearing that, when this was all over, we were going to quit. Out of the three of us, as far as I know I'm the only one who actually did, and it took me three more years to do it. To be fair, I had a good streak of 8 weeks clean going on September 11th, 2001, but Dad was having heart surgery that day and gave his cigarettes to me to hide from my stepmother. After the 2nd building came down the patch came off and I lit one up.
But on July 8th, 2002 I got up, showered, and went to my first day at my new job where I wasn't allowed to smoke until after I left work for the day because my boss was six months into a nine-month high-risk pregnancy and the smell of tobacco smoke made her hurl major. Best thing that's ever happened to me. I wish it could happen to everyone I love who smokes.
Because, in the long run, what people don't get is you aren't just hurting yourself. You aren't. You think you are, you yell loud about smoker's rights and argue about the real impact of second-hand smoke, but in reality, what you don't see is where it hurts your family the most. You don't see their faces as they wait in that hospital waiting room, waiting for you to get out of surgery, or wait for their fifteen minutes of visit time to you in the ICU, waiting for the doctor to finish his examination...waiting, worrying, crying, heart breaking...putting their lives on hold because you could not stop yourself from destroying your own body. They make excuses to their employers, their spouses, their kids so that they can sit there and wait for news, good or bad, about you. So that they can pray for you. It's what you do when you love someone.
This has been a hard week for me. I hurt my back on Tuesday, not at the lake, or tubing or any number of other great things I could have been doing that, had I hurt my back I could at least say "Yeah, but I had FUN" like I did last summer when I destroyed my knee, but doing something simple...bending over to get something out of a drawer in my office. Yep, that's it...I bent over and it felt like I had been shot in my lower back. Or what I imagine getting shot feels like anyway. And I've been in pain constantly ever since.
I don't do "pain pills"...Darvocet, Hydrocodone, Tylox...ugh. Anything off the store shelf that has "PM" after it puts me into a 12 hour coma, so you can imagine what these pills do to me. I take them only as a last resort, and only when I can just no longer stand the pain. And in addition to putting me in a coma, these pills also have the lovely side effect of making me nauseous. In a coma, and throwing up...yep, I think a number of rock stars have died that way over the years. So "pain pills" are a last resort option, only when I have a babysitter that can make sure I don't aspirate in my sleep.
OTC stuff helps a little, I'm taking two Aleve's every 12 hours on the dot...and believe me I know when that last hour is coming up.
Doesn't matter though. It's nothing compared to what one of my favorite people in the world is going through. Early in the year he ended up in the hospital for tests, and it was determined that he had had a heart attack...at 48. He had been diagnosed with diabetes a few years before as well. Recently he started feeling fatigued, then sick, then REALLY sick and ended up back in the hospital, only this time it's antibiotic-resistant strep, aka MRSA. He's been going through some major treatment to combat this, including drugs that are genetically developed just for him. However, the drugs are so hard on the body because this stuff is so hard to kill that he's been left bedridden, in pain and barely able to move.
Last night he told me that he was dying, and that he felt that he probably didn't have another year. I argued with him, told him to FIGHT, that he could fight this and he could win. I said all of the things to him that I would have said to my sister had I gotten the opportunity. What I got back from him really scared me, because he sounds so depressed, so....like he's just given up.
I don't understand why people give up. I don't understand why someone would choose to leave this life after such a short time here rather than stay and see what happens next. I'm pissed off that I'm almost fifty, that I only have maybe 30 or 40 years at the most! And that's if I'm lucky. Because looking at my family, there's a better-than-average chance that the big c or another debilitating illness will find me in the next ten years. Cancer is rampant on both sides of my family. My Dad has COPD, and while most of that is due to 50+ years of smoking and working as a paint and body repairman, inhaling dust, fiberglass, paint and God-only-knows-what chemicals into his lungs all those years, some of it is inherited as well. We all three had some sort of lung ailments as children, and on my part I developed asthma as an adult. My sister died of lung cancer. I have aunts and uncles who have died of lung and breast cancer. Mother, Father, Sister, Aunts, Uncles...So I know that it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.
I'm aware that suffering is involved here. I know my friend, this person that should have been my brother, I know he's in a great deal of pain. And I'm hoping that this round of medication will cure the infection raging in his system and that his words are all just the depression brought on by boredom, being in bed, being fucked up on pain pills, being broke, and feeling useless. Because of all things, hope is something that I can never let go of. Hope for him, hope for myself, for John, for Gareth, for my kids and their kids. Hope for my cousins who, like me, are so vulnerable. Some have already started the fight and are winning!
I know some very little of what good friend is feeling...only a very small part..because I've spent most of this last week sitting here in front of my computer, in the only chair in the house comfortable to me, in the only position comfortable to me, unable to do some of the most basic chores around here like change litter boxes, or even something as simple as feeding the cats (haven't been able to bend over or lift very well). John has taken on the entire burden without a word of reproach, and I can't say enough kind words to him about that. Gareth has been so understanding, despite the fact that he has had to run the store by himself most of the week. And I know I haven't been easy to live with...I've been grouchy and short and petulant and...bitchy. Because I hurt. And now, after talking to my dear friend, I feel like skum. I have no reason for complaint.
My "midlife crisis" as it were is that I worry about death coming and me not being ready for it. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for it. There is so much I still want to do, that I want to see, that I want to BE. I want to travel. I want to see where my sister lived the last 1/4 of her life. I want to visit New York City again. I want to watch my granddaughter and grandson graduate college. And I want to LIVE every day to it's fullest. I hope that I don't ever give up, that I don't ever give in, and that I don't ever say "at least if I'm dead, I can rest". Because that, to me, would be the ultimate tragedy.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
How Democrats are Failing in Oconee County and South Carolina
(NOTE: The following is my own opinions. They do not reflect and in many cases are in direct opposition to my husband John's opinions, so please do not read any of this and believe that I speak for both of us. I do not. If you want to know how he feels you are welcome to ask him, and I can promise you if you ask he WILL tell you. :)
(If you aren't interested in local politics, or aren't from this area, you might not find this blog very interesting. If you are interested in local politics and are from this area, you may be offended. Either way, you have been warned.)
As I sat in the glaring light and heat of the Fun In The Sun Festival in West Union today (June 9, 2012), I watched our neighbors to our right, - a conservative group who came together to make sure all of the previously Republican candidates get the required signatures necessary to be on this fall's ballot - scramble in the heat. The volunteers would approach each individual that passed and ask them where they lived, where they voted, and then asking the fairgoer to sign the petitions, if any, applicable to their area. Further down, across from us Republican Oconee County Sheriff's candidate Mike Crenshaw greeted fairgoers and shook hands, while his volunteers asked for the same signatures on their petitions. Go down the street a little more and you will find more Republican candidates also engaged in getting the necessary signatures for this fall's election.
Of the Democrats, there was not a sign. Plenty of crafters, civic organizations and food vendors, a couple of local businesses, and the music stage at the end of the street, but all of the excitement on the street was being generated by the conservative political volunteers going from person to person. This excitement virtually guaranteed that the now-defunct Republican Primary would be the big topic of conversation.
As I watched all of this I could not help but think about what an opportunity the Democrats of Oconee County had missed yet again. Since the Oconee County Democratic Party participated in the Christmas Parades in December of 2011, there has been very little other community participation by the OCDP. Including this one, there have been four community festivals that I know of - Mayberry Days in Westminster, Mayfest in Walhalla, Senecafest in Seneca and of course Fun In The Sun today in West Union - this year. We as Oconee County Democrats have participated in NONE of them that I'm aware of. We should have been at ALL of them.
I don't wonder anymore why we are at such a disadvantage in Oconee County - I know. In order to gain community awareness, we have to PARTICIPATE in community events. We have to be out there, talking to people, giving them our perspectives and our information and our opinions and letting them know there is an alternative to the same government they've tolerated for forever. Our local party has been hijacked by a group of individuals who are stuck in their ways and refuse to try anything new, and the rest of the group are scared of them or have wandered away. Our State party has no interest anymore of supporting the party on the county level. So what happens is that instead of speaking up and giving support, those people who would make excellent volunteers, people with energy, and heart, and commitment instead get tired of being told "Well, we don't do it that way" and they quit coming around.
I first posted information about today's festival two months ago on the OCDP Facebook page. Booth space was CHEAP compared with what most festivals charge - only $25. I even recommended that the party request their booth be next to mine so that I could do double duty. I heard NOTHING in return, yea, nay or kiss my ass. I also sent the same info in an email to the county Chair, and heard nothing from that as well.
At the county convention earlier in the year we knew there was the possibility that the OCDP could be disbanded. Many people approached my husband John and asked him to take over the Chair, and I was even approached to do it. My reasons for saying no were very simple - almost all of my energy and attention go into our animal rescue, and I could not devote the time and energy necessary to the party that it deserves to do the job properly. You will have to ask John his reasons for declining, but I know that the very frustration that I feel today played a role in his decision. I'm thinking now that disbanded might have been the best overall. Because this is just downright embarrassing. It is EMBARRASSING to tell a Republican volunteer that you are a Democrat and have them say "Do we even have a Democratic Party in Oconee County?"
I haven't been to a meeting in months, partially due to rescue, and partially due to the OCDP making the decision to keep meeting in restaurants despite requests by members that we keep the meetings in public venues where purchase of a meal is not required. And why did our leadership choose to make that decision? BECAUSE SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE TO MAKE FREEKING COFFEE.
Yep, that's it in a nutshell...God Forbid that someone might have to break a sweat doing what? Measuring a few teaspoons of (party purchased or donated) coffee into a (party purchased or donated) coffee pot, add some water, let it perk on it's own, and then pour it into a (party purchased or donated) thermos and - here's the hard part - carry it to a meeting? I don't even DRINK coffee so I am not very good at making it but I'd even be willing to take a turn at it now and again. That's just ridiculous that I even had to hear about that.
I have come to the conclusion that what is called the Oconee County South Carolina Democratic Party is, in reality, nothing more than a social club for a bunch of do-nothings who like to get together and argue. And I'm sorry, but cleaning a stretch of highway once a month, in my opinion, furthers the Democratic cause very little. If it makes you feel happy, I'm happy for you.
In the meantime we can't even field a slate of candidates. In a county this size, we can't find more than ONE person willing to serve his or her community, or at least willing to try. Why? Because they know they will have little to no support from Democrats. Democrats think we can sit around and discuss an election and make a few phone calls and win it, while Republicans KNOW that the only way to win local elections is to go door-to-door, house to house, church to church, club to club, until you are ready to literally drop from exhaustion. You don't have a minute you can call your own from the time you announce. And you have a huge group of volunteers to call on to do what you can't. Here in Oconee County, and many other places in South Carolina, we don't have anything close to that kind of dedication. Hell, Marilyn couldn't find anyone to man the filing location until John volunteered. Not that we had any candidates but you know...
Democrats in Oconee County should have been all over this whole election brouhaha right from the beginning, starting with a strongly-worded statement against the State Legislature for passing this flawed law in the first place. Then, when Adams "certified" his candidates despite them not being in compliance of State law, our party should have called a press conference to decry this action and demand that the county and state elections officials right this wrong. When the challenge against Bartee's credentials surfaced, we should have had an official representative of our party in the courtroom as the defenders of a fair election system. And when the Republicans made their recent crazy decision to completely dump the established primary election and force all of their candidates to scramble to get on the ballot in November, we again as a party should have demanded an investigation by the state as to what the heck Republicans are doing here in Oconee county to the voters. But we did NOTHING. You wouldn't even know that we exist...
The Democratic party is supposed to be the party of the PEOPLE. We are supposed to be the defenders of the downtrodden, the demanders of fair elections, and the ones who stand up and shout "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO SHUT UP UNTIL YOU MAKE IT RIGHT!!!" Instead, what we have here in South Carolina and especially in Oconee County is "I'm not happy about it but I'm not going to say anything because we never have before and besides, somebody might make me do something if I do". Until we get an ACTIVE party that participates in community outreach, gives regular updates to the press and REPRESENTS Oconee County Democrats and Liberals, well, truthfully your little meetings are just a waste of my (and apparently a lot of others) time. Call me when you want to act like a real party again.
(If you aren't interested in local politics, or aren't from this area, you might not find this blog very interesting. If you are interested in local politics and are from this area, you may be offended. Either way, you have been warned.)
As I sat in the glaring light and heat of the Fun In The Sun Festival in West Union today (June 9, 2012), I watched our neighbors to our right, - a conservative group who came together to make sure all of the previously Republican candidates get the required signatures necessary to be on this fall's ballot - scramble in the heat. The volunteers would approach each individual that passed and ask them where they lived, where they voted, and then asking the fairgoer to sign the petitions, if any, applicable to their area. Further down, across from us Republican Oconee County Sheriff's candidate Mike Crenshaw greeted fairgoers and shook hands, while his volunteers asked for the same signatures on their petitions. Go down the street a little more and you will find more Republican candidates also engaged in getting the necessary signatures for this fall's election.
Of the Democrats, there was not a sign. Plenty of crafters, civic organizations and food vendors, a couple of local businesses, and the music stage at the end of the street, but all of the excitement on the street was being generated by the conservative political volunteers going from person to person. This excitement virtually guaranteed that the now-defunct Republican Primary would be the big topic of conversation.
As I watched all of this I could not help but think about what an opportunity the Democrats of Oconee County had missed yet again. Since the Oconee County Democratic Party participated in the Christmas Parades in December of 2011, there has been very little other community participation by the OCDP. Including this one, there have been four community festivals that I know of - Mayberry Days in Westminster, Mayfest in Walhalla, Senecafest in Seneca and of course Fun In The Sun today in West Union - this year. We as Oconee County Democrats have participated in NONE of them that I'm aware of. We should have been at ALL of them.
I don't wonder anymore why we are at such a disadvantage in Oconee County - I know. In order to gain community awareness, we have to PARTICIPATE in community events. We have to be out there, talking to people, giving them our perspectives and our information and our opinions and letting them know there is an alternative to the same government they've tolerated for forever. Our local party has been hijacked by a group of individuals who are stuck in their ways and refuse to try anything new, and the rest of the group are scared of them or have wandered away. Our State party has no interest anymore of supporting the party on the county level. So what happens is that instead of speaking up and giving support, those people who would make excellent volunteers, people with energy, and heart, and commitment instead get tired of being told "Well, we don't do it that way" and they quit coming around.
I first posted information about today's festival two months ago on the OCDP Facebook page. Booth space was CHEAP compared with what most festivals charge - only $25. I even recommended that the party request their booth be next to mine so that I could do double duty. I heard NOTHING in return, yea, nay or kiss my ass. I also sent the same info in an email to the county Chair, and heard nothing from that as well.
At the county convention earlier in the year we knew there was the possibility that the OCDP could be disbanded. Many people approached my husband John and asked him to take over the Chair, and I was even approached to do it. My reasons for saying no were very simple - almost all of my energy and attention go into our animal rescue, and I could not devote the time and energy necessary to the party that it deserves to do the job properly. You will have to ask John his reasons for declining, but I know that the very frustration that I feel today played a role in his decision. I'm thinking now that disbanded might have been the best overall. Because this is just downright embarrassing. It is EMBARRASSING to tell a Republican volunteer that you are a Democrat and have them say "Do we even have a Democratic Party in Oconee County?"
I haven't been to a meeting in months, partially due to rescue, and partially due to the OCDP making the decision to keep meeting in restaurants despite requests by members that we keep the meetings in public venues where purchase of a meal is not required. And why did our leadership choose to make that decision? BECAUSE SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE TO MAKE FREEKING COFFEE.
Yep, that's it in a nutshell...God Forbid that someone might have to break a sweat doing what? Measuring a few teaspoons of (party purchased or donated) coffee into a (party purchased or donated) coffee pot, add some water, let it perk on it's own, and then pour it into a (party purchased or donated) thermos and - here's the hard part - carry it to a meeting? I don't even DRINK coffee so I am not very good at making it but I'd even be willing to take a turn at it now and again. That's just ridiculous that I even had to hear about that.
I have come to the conclusion that what is called the Oconee County South Carolina Democratic Party is, in reality, nothing more than a social club for a bunch of do-nothings who like to get together and argue. And I'm sorry, but cleaning a stretch of highway once a month, in my opinion, furthers the Democratic cause very little. If it makes you feel happy, I'm happy for you.
In the meantime we can't even field a slate of candidates. In a county this size, we can't find more than ONE person willing to serve his or her community, or at least willing to try. Why? Because they know they will have little to no support from Democrats. Democrats think we can sit around and discuss an election and make a few phone calls and win it, while Republicans KNOW that the only way to win local elections is to go door-to-door, house to house, church to church, club to club, until you are ready to literally drop from exhaustion. You don't have a minute you can call your own from the time you announce. And you have a huge group of volunteers to call on to do what you can't. Here in Oconee County, and many other places in South Carolina, we don't have anything close to that kind of dedication. Hell, Marilyn couldn't find anyone to man the filing location until John volunteered. Not that we had any candidates but you know...
Democrats in Oconee County should have been all over this whole election brouhaha right from the beginning, starting with a strongly-worded statement against the State Legislature for passing this flawed law in the first place. Then, when Adams "certified" his candidates despite them not being in compliance of State law, our party should have called a press conference to decry this action and demand that the county and state elections officials right this wrong. When the challenge against Bartee's credentials surfaced, we should have had an official representative of our party in the courtroom as the defenders of a fair election system. And when the Republicans made their recent crazy decision to completely dump the established primary election and force all of their candidates to scramble to get on the ballot in November, we again as a party should have demanded an investigation by the state as to what the heck Republicans are doing here in Oconee county to the voters. But we did NOTHING. You wouldn't even know that we exist...
The Democratic party is supposed to be the party of the PEOPLE. We are supposed to be the defenders of the downtrodden, the demanders of fair elections, and the ones who stand up and shout "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO SHUT UP UNTIL YOU MAKE IT RIGHT!!!" Instead, what we have here in South Carolina and especially in Oconee County is "I'm not happy about it but I'm not going to say anything because we never have before and besides, somebody might make me do something if I do". Until we get an ACTIVE party that participates in community outreach, gives regular updates to the press and REPRESENTS Oconee County Democrats and Liberals, well, truthfully your little meetings are just a waste of my (and apparently a lot of others) time. Call me when you want to act like a real party again.
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